Dearest Kate,

Thanks to you Kate I faced fear head on and got myself a job, I took the proverbial bull by the horns gave fear a swift kick out of the way and started a new career. A few weeks ago I applied for a job and got an interview and was hired (on probation) straight away. I sailed through the interview, I thought, "What can I lose? I will just be me."

It is in a field I was unsure of going for - being a care support worker for the frail and elderly in their own homes. I cook, clean, shop, socialize, check their meds and write reports on them. After coming out of caring for Mik I really didn't think I could handle it. But I love it, it is hard work both mentally and physically and I am only working part time casual but I am covering for people for the next three weeks and am working 40 hour weeks, plus I get to use the works 4wd as well.  It is higher than my station wagon and more powerful.  I was terrified, but then I thought, "Its an adventure, go for it girl!" If I can get through the next few weeks okay I will prove to them and me I am capable of doing the job on a more permanent basis. I passed my CPR course yesterday and have my first aid exam today.

I've had another small lottery win, just enough to pay a bill. Its amazing how much my way of thinking has changed, I seem to be attracting everything I need to me. I have started drawing again, I see faces everywhere, some like to be captured some don't.  Fear still is around a little bit, I haven't quite opened that door I have had shut for so long, I keep getting glimpses. But the majority of the time I can overcome it.  AND I very rarely get angry now, I never shout or lose my temper.

Another awakening moment Kate is that I have always felt intimidated by a certain type of person, but yesterday (even though I am only five foot nothing) I felt taller than these people and all of a sudden it actually dawned on me who I actually was. It sounds strange to say that.  I also was explaining to a group of people (with bystanders listening in) what it was like to do my job, how I got it and what they needed to do if they needed a job like mine.  For a split second I was watching myself and thought, "Wow, I am so confident, these people were actually listening to me!" The old me would have answered a question if it had been asked, but would never had offered anything else.

The course has meant a lot to me Kate, whenever self doubt creeps in I reach for the copies by my bed (I printed it all out and they are looking very well used).  Without the course Kate, I think I would still be at square one living in fear. Don't get me wrong Kate, this woman who looked after her kids and cared for her husband was strong, but this woman when on her own and doing things for herself suddenly was scared and I felt that fear deeply.

I am at peace with myself and my life now, I am at peace with Mik's passing and I am at peace with accepting what ever turns up for me. I know I can tackle it head on.

Blessings to you and yours,
Jan